What I'm Reading #20: The Imitation of Christ (Thomas à Kempis)

The Imitation of Christ, by Thomas à Kempis

Generally I blog about books after I've finished reading them, but I'm not far into The Imitation of Christ (my edition: Dover Publications 2003) and Thomas à Kempis is already kicking my spiritual butt (in a good way). This Christian classic was written in the 15th century, and I finally picked it up after stumbling across my roommate's copy and discovering later that yes, there is a Kindle edition—several, actually. I'm using the translation by Aloysius Croft and Harold Bolton, a more accessible translation, though some of the older versions preserve a poetic format that is really beautiful.

I've decided to use this book as a devotional aid over the summer, and I think the timing is, well, divine. The very first meditation is about avoiding pride in learning, and Lord knows (literally) that's something I need to hear. This summer I'm hopefully going to get to do some creative things and will probably be tempted to feel prideful, so I'm counting on Thomas (along with other people who are, you know, living) to help curb that temptation.

Like I said, I'm not far into this book, but I have already been blessed by its richness and simplicity. Already I would recommend it to anyone, but especially to students, ministers, or anyone in a role of spiritual leadership.


Favorite Quotations

"I would rather feel contrition than know how to define it."

"The more you know and the better you understand, the more severely will you be judged, unless your life is also the more holy. Do not be proud, therefore, because of your learning or skill. Rather, fear because of the talent given you."

"If men used as much care in uprooting vices and implanting virtues as they do in discussing problems, there would not be so much evil and scandal in the world."

"On the day of judgment, surely, we shall not be asked what we have read but what we have done; not how well we have spoken but how well we have lived."

"True peace of heart, then, is found in resisting passions, not in satisfying them."

"Do not be self-sufficient but place your trust in God."

"If there is good in you, see more good in others, so that you may remain humble."

Finding True North #2: Beating the Metaphor to Death

In my post about field ed orientation, I explained where my blog series title "Finding True North" came from. I realize that it is cheesy, but on thinking about it, I'm going to be taking it to heart pretty hardcore this summer, especially as a theme of seeking vocational direction and discernment around school, relationships, and life after seminary. Maybe "Finding True North" is hokey—but I mean it.

And, just to beat the metaphor to death—I am someone who collects trinkets, keepsakes, any physical symbols of ideas and experiences meaningful to me. I wanted something I could hold or wear to keep me mindful of my discerning posture over the summer, so I went hunting on Etsy (a super fun website for handmade and niche gifts, FYI). The locket you see in this picture is being shipped to me today. Obviously it's a compass, which opens up (who doesn't love lockets?!). From the standpoint of the artist, the bird is purely ornamental, but I (unsurprisingly) identified it immediately as the Holy Spirit. I will wear this necklace over the summer as a reminder of and a prayer for my pursuit of direction, ever oriented toward God's call and guided by the Spirit.

Here's one of my favorite prayers, written by Thomas Merton. I actually adapted the lyrics and set it to music—it's still in progress, but maybe I'll record it soon. Here's my prayer for this summer (and, you know, life in general):

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen.

What I'm Reading #19: Live to Tell (Brad Kallenberg)

Live to Tell: Evangelism for a Postmodern Age, by Brad J. Kallenberg

Live to Tell (Brazos 2002) is the first book we read for the directed study I'm doing this summer on evangelism. It's awesome, and I'll be using it a lot to frame my thinking and writing on the subject.

A little background: I have only recently been able to draw the distinction between evangelism (which the Great Commission demands) and Evangelicalism (which implies an ideological/political agenda). I spent my freshman year of undergrad referring to it only as "the E-word." For a long time, I associated evangelism with theology that would deny me my calling to the ministry because I'm a woman, with methodology that felt like cultural imperialism. Those issues and more are certainly part of the conversation, but I'm learning not to let those associations color my understanding of the call to witness as much as they have in the past.

Anyway. Kallenberg's book is great for framing a theological-philosophical approach to contextual evangelism. He pairs philosophy and theory with case studies to unpack the issues surrounding the question of how to share the Gospel in a world that is increasingly postmodern and post-Christian. Once, biblical literacy was widespread in America, and the moral authority of Scripture and the church could be assumed; neither is a given today. As the culture changes, our understanding of and approach to evangelism must change too.

Here are a few points Kallenberg makes that I appreciate:

• Belief is not just individual but communal.
• Sharing the Gospel requires not only translation but the teaching of a new language.
• Narrative is central to evangelism, belief and discipleship.
  
• Evangelism and discipleship cannot be separated.
• Conversion is time intensive and requires a paradigm shift.
  
• Conversion is less about intellectual assent than the participation in communal practices.

Kallenberg's academic influences are what my professor called "canonical" to Duke Divinity School—thinkers like Stanley Hauerwas and Alastair MacIntyre. Kallenberg outlines and then challenges the assumptions of modernity (reductionism, individualism, representationalism and propositionalism), advocating a move beyond these to embrace a holistic, embodied approach to the theology of evangelism.

I'm still thinking through the implications of Kallenberg's book, so I'll stop there and leave you with some some of his own words.


Favorite Quotations

"God's dealings with us are narratively shaped rather than theoretically driven. In other words, God sent us a gospel rather than a philosophical treatise!"

"[O]ne cannot properly read the Bible until the biblical text ceases to become the object that one views and becomes, instead, the lens itself through which one sees."

"[O]ur postmodern era reveals conversion to be a time-consuming—and time-redeeming—process."

"Salvation may be more than adoption and socialization into this new family's radical way of life, but it is certainly not less."

"Our words only have meaning insofar as we are engaged in doings."

"[We must] expand our notion of conversion from assent to a set of propositions to fluency that engages one in a form of life."

"If conservatives err by using Scripture as magic, liberals err by not taking the power of the Scripture seriously enough."

"[O]ur fascination with objective truths can sometimes obscure the more urgent issue of how we stand toward such truths."

"[A]nything worth doing is worth doing badly—until one can do it better."

Finding True North #1: Orientation (or, I'm Really Excited for this Summer)

Last summer, I blogged about my experience serving as a field education intern at Hill's Chapel UMC in Stanley, NC. I've decided to do something similar this year as I venture to Indianapolis to work and learn in the community at North UMC. In the future, use this link to filter out just my blogs about being in Indy.

I've decided on the (maybe?) clever series title "Finding True North." I might wake up tomorrow and decide it's cheesy, but this struck me as appropriate for several reasons: (1) The church I will be serving is named North United Methodist Church, and I will be getting to know the congregation and seeking truth alongside and among them this summer; (2) I am, quite literally, going north—I've lived in the south all my life and will probably take a few gallons of sweet tea with me; and (3) The idiom "finding true north" has to do with getting your bearings in relationship to the north star, which never changes, and this summer for me is all about vocational discernment—that is, getting my bearings calling-wise in relation to God's steady love and the firm foundation that is the Gospel.

That having been said, I am SUPER excited about this summer. Yesterday and today we had field ed orientation at Duke Divinity School, so I got to meet my supervisors and learn more about the many, many amazing things I might get to do this summer, time and God permitting. Last night, I had the pleasure of meeting Brenda Freije, Associate Pastor of Discipleship and Formation, with whom I will probably be working a great deal. Brenda does a lot with worship and the arts, some at North and some at Lockerbie Central UMC, which runs Earth House, a coffeehouse and arts collective. Today we both caught up with Kevin Armstrong, the senior pastor at North, with whom I will also spend time in ministry. They joked that Brenda will do the fun stuff while Kevin will do the serious stuff—but I have a hunch it will all be fun.

One thing we have to do in a field ed placement is to create, commit to and fulfill what is called a Learning-Serving Covenant. The idea of this document is to set goals—some very practical, like when your day off is, when you can meet regularly with your supervisor, and others more along the lines of setting ministry and vocational goals—and to refer back to the covenant over the course of the 10-week assignment to see how things are going. They give us until a few weeks into our placement to turn it in so that we can get a handle on how things will go before we commit to such a thing, but Brenda and I sat down and went ahead and outlined a few general goals that we can frame more practically once I'm up there. I'd like to share a few of those because I am just SO excited about this.

1. Worship planning and design is my current obsession and will be a big thing for me this summer. I'm already planning to follow Marcia McFee around at the Indiana Annual Conference. Brenda does a lot with worship arts both at North and at Lockerbie Central, so there will be plenty of opportunities for me to observe and perhaps contribute to creativity in liturgy and worship. North's Sunday morning worship is traditional in style but apparently has a great deal of space for creativity within that structure. Lockerbie Central's Sunday evening service is emergent (not contemporary), observes weekly Eucharist, and oftentimes conversation is substituted for preaching (this is a small group of young people). I already know that I will be preaching on Pentecost and am very much looking forward to that and to learning all I can from Brenda and the rest of the staff and laity at North.
2. Hospitality, Evangelism and Membership is the name of North's current group that might also be called a welcoming or outreach committee. Right now, the team is in the process of re-tooling the vision and giving that ministry more direction, tools and a philosophy. That's at North; at Earth House and Lockerbie Central, the congregation is all young people, and the coffeehouse is intentionally low-key on evangelism because many of its constituents have been burned by the church or are anti-establishment. Apparently there is ongoing discernment about how to be a faithful witness to the Gospel without making it a bait-and-switch situation. Interestingly enough, I'll be working on a directed study in evangelism this summer, and our coursework is open to being determined by our interests, so I'm hoping to draw on my experience at North and Lockerbie Central to inform what I'm doing on that end. Brenda was interested to see what sort of things we'll be reading for the class since both churches are working toward a clearer philosophy of evangelism, so I may even be able to contribute to that effort in a way.
3. Pastoral care is an area where I know I could use some work, so I was happy to hear from last year's intern at North that Rick Pickering, the Pastor for Care and Nurture, is a superb person to follow on pastoral visits. I am mildly terrified of hospitals and nursing homes, so observing someone like Rick will, I hope, help me overcome that obstacle to my future ministry, because that's what it is.
   
4. A website re-launch/re-vamp is in the works. I'm a fan of technology and have dabbled in web design, and I'm particularly interested in observing how North works out the theology surrounding storytelling via its website.
5. Mission and outreach seems to be central to North's self-identity, with a plethora of ministries both at home and abroad functioning at all times. I look forward to participating in as many of these programs as I can, especially Bread and Bowl, a soup kitchen that operates out of North three days a week. Side note: North, along with other partner churches, does a lot of work in Kenya, and the students from Duke who will be serving in Kenya will spend a few days in Indy at the beginning of the summer and then about a week and a half there at the end. It'll be fun to have them there and to hear about their experiences.

This blog post is entirely too long (unless you read my classmate Tom Lewis' blog) (which you should if you can find the time), so I'll end it there, but suffice to say I am thrilled about all the opportunities before me this summer. There is too much to do, and that's a good problem to have. Please be in prayer for me as God prepares me for this adventure and as I serve and learn in Indianapolis.

I Am a Person of Worth...Even without a Ph.D.

I've realized something recently. Sometimes when I think about my future, especially in terms of what other degree(s) I could get beyond an M.Div., my perceived self-worth is in the balance.

What's worse is that I (unconsciously and against my will) nuance it by assigning values to different post-master's options. I do not do this in a vacuum, but at heavy suggestion from institutions, especially my own beloved Duke University. A Ph.D. is best, a Th.D. almost as good, a Th.M. is OK but probably no one cares, and I've actually listened to people I respect openly mock the D.Min.—and I've internalized that. I want to shake my fist at the academic elitism that has always been on the fringe of my consciousness and has affected me more deeply than I probably realize.

It's funny, because as I look at such degree programs, I realize that the only one that is basically off the table for me is the Ph.D. I don't want to teach at a university, and it'd take a really compelling argument and the perfect program for me to pursue that. Besides, I have decent grades but not straight A's or theologically trendy research interests, and without those things, I doubt anyone will take an interest in me in that respect. (This is not me hating on Ph.D.'s. My dad has one. I have friends pursuing doctoral work. I'm very glad there are people who feel called to teach in higher education. I'm often jealous of them. It's just not for me, not in that focused a way.)

A Th.D. or D.Min. would be far better suited for me. At this point, I feel strongly called to parish ministry—whether in a traditional pastoral role or doing something a little out of the box, I'm not sure, but any degree would have to serve that ministerial end. The Th.D. and D.Min. programs I've looked at provide some incredible avenues for bringing together theological exploration and contextual ministry.

And then there's the part of me that often thinks I'm simply not called to go beyond my master's degree. And that scares me. Why is that? Well, I want to write, I want to be engaged in theological conversation, and I fear not being taken seriously because I lack the "Dr." in front of my name. I fear not being considered special. I fear being just another pastor.

That's downright prideful. I'm cringing just reading those last two sentences. But I seriously struggle with this. I don't think about it consciously until I, you know, think about it consciously. But there is a part of me that wonders if people will be disappointed in me if I don't continue my education—or, worse, that no one will care or notice if I don't. I honestly sometimes have to remind myself that I am a person of worth no matter what degrees I have to my name.

It's easy enough to figure out where this comes from. I grew up in a high-achieving family and started doing well in school early on. I was placed in classes two years ahead of my grade level with all the other high-achieving kids starting in middle school. I went to Duke and finished a semester early. A lifetime of encouragement and praise has left me terrified I won't live up to it all.

I can blame a classmate of mine for sending my brain down this road. The other day, here's what she posted as her Facebook status:

I have to repent. I repent of wanting good grades. I repent of wanting human recognition and human love. I repent of wanting something that is "mine". I'm not going to finish a program in the Divinity School and refuse to die to self at the last. Someone else may have it -- all of it: prizes, accolades, proud parents, loving spouses, happy families. I renounce any claim, any stake in this world.

I think I need to print that out and read it aloud every morning. My anxiety about my academic future is based completely in fear and pride. I rebuke that. I rebuke my greedy desires for achievement and recognition. Even if I am called to pursue a doctorate, the only way I can do so with any vocational integrity is to get to the point where I no longer need it for myself.

Lord, lead me. If your plans for me include more school, I'll put in the work necessary. If May 2012 marks the end of my academic career (though never my learning journey), so be it. Remind me that I am your child, and no degree or accolade could ever merit or compare to the assurance of your embrace.

Spirit Hymn

I've mentioned before that I'm interested in hymn writing. I've also blogged about the course I took this past semester on the Holy Spirit. Well, here those topics converge. While working on a paper about Eugene Rogers' book After the Spirit (which, you guessed it, I blogged about too), I got sidetracked and ended up writing a hymn to the Holy Spirit, using language we'd learned throughout the class and imagery drawing on Rogers' writing. Today, with my boyfriend's help, I recorded what is unimaginatively entitled "Spirit Hymn." (Hey, until about 10 minutes ago it was just called "Spirit.") Take a listen and check out the lyrics.

Spirit Hymn by sarahhowellmusic

Spirit, unify us by your love
Spirit, draw us in your life above
Pour yourself upon our hearts
Through your grace which abounds
You are gift and you are giver, you surround
Spirit

Spirit, open out our hearts to you
Spirit, make our sweet communion true
Give us strength to overcome
All the bound’ries in place
Open us to see God’s image on each face
Spirit

Spirit, comfort us in suffering
Spirit, to the body help us cling
Make us see upon the cross
Christ whose wounds are the balm
Hold us safe within the Savior’s nail-scarred palm
Spirit

Spirit, prophet and redeeming one
Spirit, with the Father and the Son
Let us live into your love
As partakers of God
Help us witness to your glory shed abroad
Spirit

Joining the Fray

I woke up this morning and got on Facebook, where I was immediately met with confusion. A typo led me to believe for a moment that the president was dead—but then I scrolled through a few more status updates and finally figured out that it was Osama bin Laden who had been killed. That's what I get for not having a TV or checking news online at night.

I saw several posts from classmates, many of them either quoting or echoing Proverbs 24:17, "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice." But then I saw a post from a friend who is preparing to become a military chaplain. She expressed frustration, feeling like half the country was cheering over a dead man while her classmates were offering what she saw as sanctimonious judgments "taking the pacifist high road." What about all the people who have given their lives over the past decade or so to track down this man and his followers, terrorists who have killed thousands of people? Is there no appreciation or grace for them?

I felt a little chastised. I "take the pacifist high road" all the time, forgetting that sometimes I run the risk of spitting in the faces of soldiers and veterans, many of whom are people I love. My grandfather is an Air Force veteran, as is my boyfriend's dad. Yes, I find the cheering and singing of "We Are the Champions" a distasteful reaction to any killing; but I need to be reminded that things are more complicated than that. I can sit smugly at home and pass judgment on violence, but there are real people out there risking their lives to protect others.

I've already seen a lot of attempts at a theological response to the news of bin Laden's death, and maybe I'm biased, but I think my dad has done the best job so far. Click here to read his blog post, which acknowledges and embraces the tension between being grateful that justice has been done and understanding that a man's death grieves God, even if that man's life grieved God as well.